Parents are also people...

The advice I provide dissatisfied couples with children - of which there are MANY- is consistent and often revolves around finding ways for each member of the relationship to be a person.

By a "person" I mean an autonomous, self-contained human unit, and not just a parent/co-parent/partner/employee/boss/bill-payer/housecleaner/producer of things.

Parenting is an important job but will almost never produce happiness when its requirements eclipse all other desires. (And having a job is obviously important but being a worker isn't an identity.)

Remember when you used to do stuff? Go places? Hang with friends? Move your body? Read books that don't contain pictures? Have sex? Remember that person who did those things? That person is still alive inside all of the layers of roles you've adopted to make your life work in a deeply unworkable world/life situation.

You're not selfish for wanting to be happy, you know. I get that for many parents, your own happiness seems like an afterthought but meanwhile your children are only learning that Adults Are Very Busy. They are not learning the other important lessons we'd impart upon them if we were granted - or gave ourselves- time and space to dream for them.

I want my child to know that life is an adventure, that boundaries are a gift, that facilitating the happiness of your loved ones is a way to care for them, that pleasure is a human right, that listening to your body is healthy. I want her to know that while having a stimulating career is great, we do not measure ourselves by money or success. We measure ourselves by our kindness, our impact on others, the quality of our relationships, and whatever our own measures of success happen to be.

I want her to answer her own question "why does mommy go to yoga so much?" with the answer(s) "because it makes her happy, because it is healthy for her body and spirit, because she wants to, because we want her to be happy"

and

"why does mommy go on staycations and trips without me?" with the answer(s) "because it makes her happy, because it is healthy for her body and spirit, because she wants to, because we want her to be happy"

Sitting down with your partner/co-parent to address "are we happy? is the distribution of responsibility equitable? are we over-scheduled? are there things we'd rather do than what we are doing? what else could we do together? what else could we do separately? how would we each like to feel in this family? how can we support each other feeling how we want to feel? what are the potential outcomes of changing things? are we teaching our kids the lessons we'd hope they'd learn through our behaviors?"

ETC ETC ETC

Navigating a relationship with (especially young) children is HARD AF. If you do not have these conversations now, you will very likely find yourselves in an untenable situation down the road as your children grow up and you are forced then to inventory your life. Figure out how to (remember to) be a person now, together and apart, and you will gift yourselves peace later. It's the 20 year relationships that are really in trouble, because the longer you entrench dysfunctional relationship dynamics, the harder they are to undo/fix later.

Meanwhile, I'm off on a solo road trip because that makes me happy! BYEEEEEEEEEE