CONFLICT IS NOT (ALL) BAD

Let me say again: conflict isn't bad. It means there's is something that needs figuring out.

Everybody comes into a relationship with their own shit. Sometimes your shit is going to consistently bump up against their shit.

So, you and your partner may have to traverse the same territory over and over again until you learn to do it better.

Sometimes the goal isn't "LET'S FIX THIS AND NEVER FIGHT"

Sometimes the goal is simply to shorten the distance between escalation and resolution. That's it. Just getting better at it. Bringing your grade up over time from a D- to a B+ is EXCELLENT PROGRESS but takes sustained effort and the investment of resources. (Namely, time + emotional energy)

You aren't failing if you're having the same conflict AGAIN as long as you're getting incrementally better at it. Some things don't have solutions, per se. Some issues are just temperament differences that will pop up now and then and you'll have to remind each other that y'all are different and there are fundamental incompatibilities within and between you.

That is not the same thing as you BEING fundamentally incompatible. That mess only occurs when there are MORE places you don't connect/understand/get along than places you do. If generally speaking, the relationship is peaceful and feels good, you're doing fine even if there's a sticking point or two. Even if it feels like you spend a lot of time processing and working things out.

Building the stamina for doing conflict well by courageously (if clumsily) moving through different shit that comes up is not functionally different than building your previously-wimpy little tricep muscles by doing dips, extensions, and push ups. Those muscles can just chill out and not work hard if you don't put attention there. It's all about working consistently to strengthen muscles you may not often use otherwise, and not giving up when you get sore.

You can do it!

Come see me for assistance! :) Schedule appointments here.