"I'm too jealous for ENM to work..."

I think about jealousy a lot. Specifically, about how jealousy is a manifestation of fear.

Whenever I talk to folks about the possibility of ethical non-monogamy (ENM) in their relationship, the very first response is "that sounds ideal, but..." which moves right into "That will never work, I/they get too jealous."

I'm always like, "Listen to what you just said."

You said, "That sounds ideal, BUT..."

Ok, what if you resolve the "BUT" by reducing the fear that activates jealousy. Then, ethical nonmonogamy, you say, sounds "ideal".

So: "What is ideal about it? What are you imagining when you say that?"

The answer I have collected is this: I think the main thing folks think sounds ideal is the freedom of it. The possibilities.

You get excited to imagine being free to talk with, text/sext, have sex with, connect with, travel with, like or love whoever you want. To fantasize and not feel bad. To even be able to live out those fantasies, maybe, with the support and enthusiastic consent of your partner, whom you love. To be able to tell your partner about the cute new person at work and not feel like you're being "bad" by having a crush on them. ETC ETC

In short: to always be able to choose who you wanted to have x or y experience with.

You actually may very often - or always- choose the same person you are monogamous with now. You may not actually ever have sex with anyone else, interestingly enough. You may never go on a date with someone else. You may not be interested in actually DOING anything. That isn't really even the point. The freedom is the point.

The alignment of the values around freedom and honesty makes the choices you make hit different. Like this: I don't HAVE to be with you, but I want to be. I am not STUCK with you because we are married, but I choose to be with you. I COULD do something else, but I desire doing this with you.

Even the sensation of choosing provides a different perspective on making the same choice you made before.

"You must love in such a way that the one you love feels free" is a favorite quote of mine by Thich Nhat Hahn.

The problem with monogamy culture is that it feels like a moral law, and anything that violates the "norm" of monogamy can feel or seem "wrong." It does not prioritize freedom.

I personally don't like being told what to do, or having external expectations placed upon me that I did not choose for myself, so compulsory monogamy is not for me as a life philosophy.

Monogamy culture prizes sacrifice. It says you must give up all other possibilities, especially in marriage, and gives weight to your sacrifice. It demands fidelity to an arbitrary rule with very specific "morals" applied to it.

None of it is real. There are actually no rules to anything regarding human relationships. You can literally do whatever you want, if you both agree.

What are the benefits of monogamy to society besides the "stability" of the nuclear family structure? Like, in the absence of a "traditional" family model, what actual reason would someone have to feel obligated to adhere to monogamy?

To be clear, I'm not opposed to monogamy if you choose it on purpose. I am personally very lazy, so being poly, for example, isn't gonna be my thing. That seems like a lot of work; I can barely handle my current emotional responsibilities. I get why, for logistical or practical reasons, someone might choose monogamy. I just don't love it as a default setting that folks feel required to accept because, again, I value freedom.

Being monogamous because you sincerely, when inventorying your life and your innermost desires, prefer it that way? You're having great sex (if you want that) or you're not (and that works for you both) and are emotionally satisfied and the relationship you're in is meeting all your needs? You feel free in the relationship in all the ways that matter to you and it's going great on all fronts? Great! Fine. Monogamy FTW.

But if when your relationship coach says "You know, after hearing from you, I am wondering if you might want to try ethical nonmonogamy and see if that works for your relationship? I know you want to stay together, but it sounds like maybe your relationship could use a change in perspective" and your response is "That sounds ideal, but we're too jealous and it could never work..." then it is you to whom I am currently speaking.

<<NOTE: If you love default monogamy and are not interested in this conversation, don't come in here and argue with me about its value, just keep it moving!>>

Again, jealousy is another word for fear.

When you say "I'd love to try that, but I know I am too jealous" what you might really mean is you feel fearful when we talk about your partner being with someone else in some way. It activates a possessiveness and sense of ownership around your relationship, as though to "share" them would mean to give up something. It makes you feel insecure, and you'd rather not feel that. So, no.

When you say "I'd be fine, but my partner is too jealous for this to work" what you might mean is you are securely attached and don't think it would be hard for you to explore ENM, but maybe they aren't as secure, and you're pretty sure they'd lose their shit if you paid attention to someone else. And you don't want to deal with that. So, no.

But- jealousy is rooted in/born of fear.

Fear of losing someone.

Fear of being replaced.

Fear of insecurity.

Fear of change.

Fear of being betrayed.

Fear of looking stupid.

Fear of losing your place.

Fear of abandonment.

Fear of disruption.

Fear of causing pain.

Fear of feeling pain.

But, if you can work together to resolve the fears each of you bring by building the foundation of the relationship, jealousy becomes a much more manageable, if annoying, visitor.

When folks are like "ENM SOUNDS REALLY HARD," I'm like, well, ok, sure. It is hard in a different way, but it actually requires a healthier foundation because you have to be able to radically communicate and course correct to get on the same page ALL THE TIME.

You have to hold space for each other's fears and actively attend to them. You have to make honesty a top priority. You work together to create livable, breathable, flexible safety for each other. You prioritize facilitating each other's happiness in whatever ways work and meet the agreements between/among you.

So is it hard? Sure, but in a totally different and arguably healthier way.

I'd strenuously argue that monogamy is much harder in most practical ways. Especially if you extend it beyond romantic/intimate realm and you also expect to be completely satisfied by your partner in all other ways. This is very common. Especially men who have no other emotional outlets than their wives, but they overuse or misuse that relational space. A man who doesn't have friends is the most costly of spouses to a woman.

A man who demands or expects sex "because we are married" is the most costly of spouses to a woman. Likewise, a partner who will not allow the other to have other close relationships of any kind with someone they COULD be attracted to is a costly spouse.

These dynamics (and many others) serve to render the relational space toxic and often extinguish the desire to choose each other. So what you're left with is stagnant and stuck and the opposite of freedom. But you're supposed to just...make it work?

There are many couples out here trying and failing every day. Failing in myriad ways, whether those be emotional disconnection, cheating on each other, withdrawal of consent/interest in sex, shitty communication, failure to repair, lack of honesty and transparency with each other because you worry about upsetting or activating jealousy...frankly, all of that sounds way harder to me.

Again, to recap: if you're monogamous and you love it, cool. Carry on. But if you are one of the MANY couples I have met in my years of relationship work who would benefit so much from expanding the freedom and enhancing the communication in their relationship...just think about it. It isn't ethical nonmonogamy (or polyamory, or "lifestyle" or being a swinger or whatever) I am promoting for folks, honestly, it's freedom. Even the freedom to have the conversations. To explore possibilities together.

I adore working with ENM/poly couples especially around opening up, establishing agreements and boundaries, and navigating communication. Even if you're just starting to think about it, I'm happy to have a session with you and sort out your thoughts, feelings, and concerns. Book a session here.

PS I ALSO WROTE A BOOK ABOUT RELATIONSHIPS THAT COULD HELP