Don't Burn The House Down, Y'all

I have had an influx of new couples lately, in various stages of distress.

Working with them contributes to highlight to me so many things that I keep telling you guys:

1) GET HELP WHEN YOU NEED IT. You can't wait until one of you is ready to burn the whole house down to reach out to a therapist. If you wait too long, digging through all the hurt and resentment takes a lot more effort. People can get frustrated in this stage, but you have to keep in mind that you can't get near the real issues until you do that work.

2) When you go to a coach or therapist, both of you have to like him/her and feel safe, seen, comfortable, supported, and fairly represented. It doesn't matter what the person's style or modality is, what matters is their approach works for you. The only real thing they have to have is a clear understanding, relatively quickly, of the specific culture of your relationship.

3) Every relationship is different. It's okay to have some conflict, and that does not necessarily signal that you're in distress. What signals distress is the inability to move through conflict with respect, and get all the way to resolution. If you find that you're consistently unable to do conflict "well"...it's time to seek outside help.

4) Couples counseling shouldn't feel weird or awkward or unpleasant. It should be a relief to have support and to have someone to witness, validate, and help alleviate the pain you're experiencing.

it shouldn't feel like this

5) A relationship is a DIY project you're building from scratch. So remember that when you are criticizing your partner's contribution. You built this house together, and you were both there the whole time, so if things were lopsided or top-heavy or missing walls or floors or ceilings...well, it's technically both of your fault. You're co-creators of the Relationship, for better or worse. The quicker you get in the mode of "What was my contribution here?" the quicker you'll get to a place where you can empathize with your partner. (which btw is imperative)

6) It is all worthwhile EVEN IF you decide to un-couple/divorce, because with assistance, you can do it intentionally, with respect and kindness. I wish more people would choose divorce or break up much sooner, if I'm being honest. I have a "divorcing well" option on my calender for this reason.

As a relationship coach, I can tell pretty quickly which couples have the foundational stuff required to do the work. And sometimes the work is actually being courageous enough to say "I love you too much to stay together, because we are not right for each other" or "I don't like who we have become together, and I don't see a way for us to be different" or "This is not working, and it hasn't ever worked, and we really tried, but it's time to call it."

7) My bottom line is what it always is: Communication is vital. Conflict isn't bad as long as you learn to do it well. Do the work to make your relationship a space you both feel safe and want to be in. Not every relationship can or should be saved. There's no shame in asking for help. (ever)