Care & Feeding of the INFJ by Amy L. Miller, MSW, LCSW (permalink)

NOTE: I am giving this post a new home over here in 2025. It's been circulating on the interwebs for over a decade in various places (and been plagiarized at least a time or two). It is my original work. No parts may be reproduced or borrowed but you can share this link with anyone you want. If you enjoy it, feel deeply seen, and would like to set up a coaching session with me, please do so here. <<Written in 2019: So, for context, let me first say that in 2014 when I asked a close friend (who, like me, is also INFJ) for help writing this, she (half)-jokingly said, "Just write: you wouldn't understand" and leave it at that. (!!) 

I will say, however, that the INFJ is very committed to trying to be understood, as the original iterations of this post have become extremely famous on Pinterest, and have been read/shared over 100k times, which for a random little blog post is pretty cool. You're welcome to share this wherever you'd like, but always give me credit please. I generated this whole long-ass thing from my own personal experience being, friending, and counseling/coaching a LOT of INFJs.>> 

Written in 2014: So...the INFJ is the enigma of the 16 types; the pieces don't really fit together neatly and so it's hard to type an INFJ. I have found that people I struggle to type often end up being INFJs; if they're too close to me it's like I can't see all the pieces. INFJ is the rarest (estimated at about 1% of the population) and certainly the most difficult to pin down descriptively, but I'll do my best. 

If you are partnered with an INFJ, is important for you to understand - even if it is not immediately obvious- that they are incredibly empathetic and sensitive, and that this is both a blessing and a curse. They do best with partners who are strong, steady, balanced, and healthy, because there is always a risk of the INFJ taking on negative emotions from their partners by virtue of this almost-pathological empathy. 

(Unlike the INFP, INFJ seems to be inclined to take on emotions from people closest to them, and from people in the abstract, but not always people in general. For example, they make good counselors because they are often able to maintain emotional boundaries fairly well. This is one of those confusing things about their temperament, that they can even seem cold and unfeeling in one moment, but be crying over starving children they don't know in the next.) 

More than anyone else, the INFJ can get overwhelmed about the woes of the world. Without getting too new agey, the best way to explain it is that the INFJ is profoundly connected and responsive to the energy around them. They feel everything more deeply than most people do and are affected on a cellular level by the pain and suffering of others. It is not unusual for the INFJ to be moved to tears over the plights of strangers. They feel connected to humankind in the abstract as much or more as they do in real time/real life. 

They need a partner who sees, understands, and values this quality, because it is foundational to who they are at their core; anyone who isn't able to appreciate it or who finds it irksome will be experienced as rejecting the INFJ outright. Unfortunately, many INFJs don't really know how to articulate this quality, because it really doesn't seem to make sense, so they may frequently be misunderstood and frustrated by that. 

The INFJ is freakishly intuitive. This is probably the other most important thing to know, because ultimately it accounts for their "superpower", which looks a lot like psychic ability but is really just hyper-intuition and a profound ability to predict the future based on observed patterns of the past. How it feels in real life: get ready for the INFJ to basically read your mind all the time, tell you your business before you even know it, and routinely predict events that will come to pass. 

This is largely an unconscious process, but the partner of an INFJ will probably realize at some point that at all times, the INFJ is reading the environment around them. They are taking the emotional temperature of everyone in the room, assessing body language, watching interactions, eavesdropping, sorting data, analyzing, questioning, filing new information, rejecting old information, looking for patterns. Constantly vigilant of everything and endlessly receiving data. (This sounds like a lot of work, but for INFJ it is effortless and reflexive; it's just what our brains do.) 

This can be off-putting to people who misinterpret it as a judging function. It is not. Despite the "J" in the name, INFJ is decidedly not a "judging" type. They get the "J" because what gets extraverted (shown to the world) is a decision-making function, extraverted feeling (aka Fe, or Harmony). 

<<ETA in 2025: I do not actually love (or even use) the MBTI these days, but somehow Jung/MBTI has encapsulated a very complicated archetype of human for whom I do not have a better name than INFJ. Whatever we are calling this kind of person, I understand them and will describe what they are like so you can successfully partner with one if you are so inclined. In the animal kingdom, an INFJ is best likened to a mostly-domesticated cat insofar as it requires enthusiastic petting when petting is desired, otherwise will scratch out your eyes. Be forewarned and learn the signs of which is which...>>

...Anyway, they are actually a classic prospecting type, with some vast majority of their energy going towards (neutral) information-gathering. As such, yes, they technically are analyzing you, but it's not intentional, they can't stop doing it, and ultimately it stems from a deep desire to understand you (and everyone/everything else). 

They have enormous stores of information in their internal files, much of which they aren't conscious of, and can pull out details they didn't even know they observed, mostly about "vibes" and "impressions" (more so than they'll recall verbatim conversations or sensory details). INFJs can, with uncanny accuracy, "just know" things. This is their greatest strength and what can make them so interesting to partner with. They can truly "see all sides" to an issue, and provided they aren't emotionally invested in the outcomes, can dispassionately articulate the pros and cons of each perspective. 

(If they are emotionally invested in some way, they are far less inclined to be generous with their assessments and/or willing to hear other perspectives. INFJs can be extremely zealous at times, which contradicts their clinical assessments at most other times. A righteously indignant, morally-activated INFJ is more like FUCK YOU, THERE ARE NOT TWO SIDES, YOU ARE JUST WRONG).

All of this is to say, it is true that INFJs have the busiest brains out there, but they should not be misinterpreted as simple over-thinkers. Very little of this energy is wasted. While there is a certain amount of navel-gazing in any of the NF types, when an INFJ is at their best (i.e., not in the grips of some emotionally-stunting funk) they are more often than not pondering large, complex, abstract ideas and trying to grapple with philosophical or moral dilemmas (rather than just stewing about how they personally feel about stuff, although of course the more neurotic INFJs will do quite a lot of this too).

Basically, if you peered inside their brains at any given moment, you'd be astounded at the amount of activity going on all the time. 

There is a certain wisdom to the INFJ that people respond to favorably, like, "this person seems to know what they're talking about." You can take your INFJ to a dinner party, so long as it's a relatively small group, and trust that they will connect with people and probably end up with several new friends or business contacts. 

At first they may come off as prickly or standoffish, (especially in a larger group, where they are likely to be quieter) but as soon as a topic that interests them arises, or someone engages them in an interesting (non-small-talkey) 1:1 conversation, they'll come alive and be at their best. 

People generally like INFJs, even if they aren't quite sure what to make of them or even find them awkward at first, or slow to warm up. If your INFJ opens up, they come across as intelligent, thoughtful, strong-willed, understanding, and nonjudgmental. However, if they do not open up, they can rub people the wrong way or be assessed inaccurately as "cold" or "aloof" or "snobbish." (None of which are really true). 

The clarity of vision, thoughtfulness, and depth they possess are qualities they very much value in themselves, and as such they will be deeply hurt by an offhanded comment such as "you think too much" or "you're so serious". (Advice: don't ever say any of that to an INFJ). 

What makes those type of comments sting so much is that the one thing INFJs want more than anything is to be understood fully, and they genuinely try to make themselves known to the people they care about. But they get frustrated and hurt when most people still just don't get them. And any of the aforementioned comments reflect a lack of a) understanding and b) appreciation for the unique perspective of the INFJ. 

So, with that in mind, the single greatest gift you can give your INFJ is to make a sincere, concerted effort to "get" them, without applying judgments of your own to their ways of being. For example, to suggest that the INFJ "thinks too much" is to deeply insult the thing that is at the core of who they are.

They are bewilderingly deep and complex, that's true, with an endless stream of new ideas and concepts floating around in their heads, but there is nothing they can do about it.It's like telling an INFP to stop having so many feelings, or the ENFP to stop brainstorming. It's just who they are. Yes, the INFJ thinks a lot, about everything. Yes, that can be tiresome at times. But the qualifier of "too much" is always going to hurt their feelings, and make them feel unappreciated, and therefore should be avoided. 

As for the "so serious" misperception, while the INFJ admittedly can get stuck (or even intentionally revel, because in all honesty, there are few things INFJs loves more than to get deep) in non-stop heavy thinking/conversing, they actually can be quite light-hearted when in the right company. They love clever wordplay and are not easily offended; they tend to enjoy the company of people who push the envelope and are somewhat outrageous with their humor. 

So, you should make a concerted effort to make your INFJ laugh, because they sometimes need to be reminded that life isn't so heavy. There is a genuinely playful, incisively witty aspect to the INFJ personality that often gets overlooked if it isn't encouraged, or if they are in a relationship where humor isn't fundamental. Encourage the INFJ to write more, as well, because they tend to be rather masterful with the written word, and often are very funny in writing. 

That said, few things are more likely to wilt an INFJ's spirit than being around someone who either totally doesn't get their sense of humor, or doesn't find them funny. People who do get their humor, and who encourage and draw it out, will get endless delight and occasional outright shock out of engaging in witty banter with the INFJ. 

<<Fun fact: my first husband didn't think I was funny. He was wrong, and now we're divorced.>>

The way their brain works is not easily explained. It mostly uses patterns and symbols, which simply don't translate to the layperson very well, so much of the time INFJs don't bother trying to explain their innermost thoughts. So they need a partner who is deeply curious, because if their partner doesn't challenge them to try, the INFJ can end up feeling extremely isolated in relationships, especially if they are doing a lot of listening and understanding for you. (This is what tends to happen when INFJ and INFP partner; the INFP gets a lot out of it but forgets to be curious enough for the INFJ to really feel seen.) 

The best thing you can do for your INFJ partner is to encourage them to tell you about their internal world, even if it's convoluted and you don't really get it. That's when it can be very useful to ask clarifying questions; this shows them you're really listening and demonstrates that you really want to understand them in a deep way. I always encourage INFJs to "throw it all out on the floor and then sort it out later" (data dump, essentially). They can't always understand their own feelings without externally processing them. 

So, if you really want to connect, lead with curiosity and ideas. Dream with them. Argue with them. Have original thoughts and ideas they haven't thought of yet, and be willing to share them. They'll be thrilled by how your mind works. If connecting deeply over ideas is something you value, you're in the right place with an INFJ. 

When it comes to communicating with the INFJ on an emotional level, one specific way to show you care is to just let them talk. Like I said, they are external processors, so they often don't know how they feel until they say it out loud and have it reflected back to them by someone else. While they are quite good at understanding other people's problems, they are surprisingly underdeveloped in the area of understanding their own feelings.

This is why the INFJ, while relatively private about deeply personal things, may have a whole slew of trusted advisors (which also may contribute to them being miscast as quiet extraverts) when it comes to trying to sort out even a relatively simple personal issue. 

With people the INFJ cares about, they are particularly good at listening, understanding, and offering practical advice that is free of judgment. They love to be of service in this way, largely because it makes them feel useful, so don't be too proud to ask them for their insight. If you know an INFJ has expertise in a particular area, always ask their advice. They want to support you in this way; refusing to allow them to can actually be very hurtful and make them feel rejected or undervalued. 

The INFJ is extremely transparent (to a fault) and so for better or worse, especially once you've been with them for a while, you will generally be able to tell how they feel. You will usually know when they are mad at you, or when you have hurt their feelings, and usually they can articulate why something made them feel a particular way, so let them talk it out (yes, even if you both know it isn't rational).

Sometimes just expressing it helps them to realize that it wasn't that big of a deal to begin with. Don't tell them they're "too sensitive" even if it seems to you that they are. INFJs prize their ability to move through feelings and land at rationality, so have a little patience with them while they are on that path. An INFJ is very likely to respond defensively or irrationally to something, but then come back later and say, "You were right." 

Typically, an INFJ is pretty even-tempered and reasonable, if somewhat prone to defensiveness, and while also perhaps quick to get their feelings hurt, they are also usually quick to forgive once it gets sorted out. (Read: once you've taken responsibility for and recognized how you were hurtful. Just saying "I'm sorry" is generally not sufficient; they want to know that you really understand why it hurt their feelings). 

THAT SAID, it would behoove you to address the thing they are upset about in a timely fashion beforeit has a chance to simmer and boil over. Do not wait until morning if you feel it coming. The INFJ is slow to anger, but once they get to that point, it is really best to attempt to defuse it or suggest you talk later once they have had a chance to cool off or do anything but engage in a fight while they are at the angry place. An INFJ trying to communicate while angry is not a pretty thing. This is when they will use their power for evil instead of good, and you do not want to be in the line of fire for that. Hell hath no fury, yo. 

It is important to note here, too, that the INFJ is a true introvert in the sense that they need a lot of alone time to "recharge their batteries". Any partner of the INFJ will need to understand this and do their best not to take it personally; there is a threshold at which the INFJ shuts down (generally it is related to being overstimulated) and it is a good idea to learn where your particular INFJ's is. There is no point trying to squeeze any more energy out of them once they've reached this point. What do they say about blood from a turnip? It's pretty much like that. 

INFJs are very affectionate in their own way; as previously mentioned, I liken them to cats in that generally you can't just scoop them up and expect them to sit in your lap if they don't want to right now, but when they're ready, they'll come to you and it'll be worth the wait. They will often do nice little things to surprise you and show you that they care. It is important that you take note and at least occasionally mention that you appreciate these things. 

Also, sex and physical contact is very important to the INFJ as a way to connect with their partner. They will go to great lengths to make you happy, and make sure you're satisfied. They can be adventurous with the right partner, which is someone who makes them feel it is safe to be vulnerable. A genuine emotional, spiritual, and physical connection with an INFJ is a profound experience, and that is ultimately what the INFJ is always searching for in relationships. 

They are deeply committed to growth and discovery. So while they could be perceived as picky, and persnickety, and even difficult, all of that comes from a good place: INFJs are simply committed to having an exceptional relationship and don't want to settle for less. An insecure person will likely struggle to not experience their relentless commitment to growth as criticism, but it is an important distinction to note that it is not coming out of a negative place.

Quite the opposite, really: they see how amazing you are and want to elevate you and the relationship to ever-higher levels. 

If you find yourself lucky enough to be in a relationship with an INFJ, take note of what you're learning there. Even if it doesn't last forever, in some form or fashion it is likely to be one of the most interesting, meaningful, and unconventional relationships you'll ever have. The INFJ isn't for everybody, and may seem hard to pin down, but the satisfaction that comes from a deep connection with one is worth every effort. 

©Amy L. Miller, MSW, LCSW

Roots & Keys Coaching, LLCS (formerly Miller Counseling & Consulting, LLC)

Written in 2014, updated in 2019 + 2025