Be A Picky B*tch (if you are one)

Someone new to me commented recently "you have a lot of preferences." They didn't say it in a critical way, just observing.

I had been being very clear about it when I'd rather do x than y, and also clear about explaining to what extent the preference matters. Because I am a communicator!

So I was like, I DO! I really do. I really have preferences. There are some things I really want to be a certain way if/when I have any control over it. And I'm upfront with this. Might as well get all this shit out in the open early.

(Funny aside, when a server at a French bistro the other day asked me if I have dietary restrictions my response was "other than being a picky bitch, no")

So I've been thinking about it. And I think most people have preferences about all kinds of things, from small things like where to sit at the table to large things like what you want your relationship dynamics to look like.

What happens, though, is that sometimes we don't come out with our preferences because we don't want to seem difficult, or we don't want to be bossy, or we don't think we are entitled to have those preferences. We may think that if we press for things to be our way, we are going to annoy others.

So we act like we don't have preferences. We pretend to be super easy-going and unbothered because these qualities seem more attractive to others. We say things like, "I don't care, whatever is fine with me" and "Sure, we can change the plan" and "I'm not picky"... (all of these sound like people-pleasing to me in most contexts)

In some cases, of course, it is probably true. Like, if you were ordering a vegetarian pizza and were like "what do you want on it?" I could say "I really don't care" and it would be true because there are no vegetables I dislike. So I don't have preferences outside of the ones already included.

But if you were ordering pizza and I said I didn't care what was on it and you got a hamburger and bacon pizza, well, we would have a problem because I don't eat beef and I don't really like bacon that much. So I'd have to then either pretend to eat it OR have a whole conversation about how I should have said something when you notice and are annoyed with me for not speaking up when you asked. Because I did not just say "I'll eat any vegetables, but I don't really eat much meat," even though that is the truth. I created a new problem by not stating the preference upfront.

This is a small example, of course.

But, think about the places in your life you definitely have preferences. Where there are definitely ways you would like things to be and ways you would NOT like them to be. Do you state your preferences? Do you hope that other people will "just know?" Do you back burner your own preferences because you think they don't really matter? Do you over-prioritize the preferences of others?

Sometimes what happens is we will start out a new friendship, relationship, work situation as our people-pleasing self. We think people will like us more if we are easy to get along with, go with the flow, etc. And they probably do! Because then THEY get to exercise THEIR preferences.

But if inside, that is not actually who you are, you are setting yourself and the other person(s) up to fail.

At some point, you will feel compelled to express a preference. When you get comfortable, you may start saying "you know, actually I don't like doing xyz" but the other person is very likely to be confused by this and be like "but you said you didn't care" or "I thought you liked that?"

And then you are in a situation where you have to RE-introduce yourself as a person with preferences. And the other person could reasonably be like wait, what? They might then re-interpret you as being dishonest, or changing out of the blue, or not being who you said you were. Which wouldn't be a totally unreasonable assessment.

So if you are a person who people-pleases by trying to be super easy to get along with but actually in your heart you have ALL KINDS OF PREFERENCES?! Go ahead and make that clear at the start. The right kind of person/people/job/situation will appreciate your clarity, your direct communication, and your assertiveness.

Lead with who you actually are, not who you think the person or situation wants you to be (which you may not be accurately predicting anyway). Let someone value and appreciate your authentic self rather than some watered down agreeable version that you then have an obligation to continue or risk disrupting the dynamics.

TL;DR: Stop people-pleasing, be yourself, it's ok to have preferences!

(I canceled the Boundaries + People-pleasing skills lab for tomorrow due to low enrollment, but I may try again sometime! This would be a good topic for that class...)