A Man's Truest Nature...

In my opinion, the way a man interacts with his children is a glimpse into his truest nature.

If a man is gentle, patient, tender, and emotionally available to/with his children, then we can reasonably assume he has the capacity to be that way generally.

That might be a part of him that is hidden away from adult eyes; probably it has been shamed away by the culture or his family of origin. We do not welcome these parts of boys past a certain age, and most men have received this messaging loud and clear.

So if he is that way with them but not with you (as his partner), that is telling. It is information you may gather and be curious about. It bears a conversation, or many conversations over time.

However it does NOT necessarily mean he is intentionally or consciously withholding those parts of himself from you.

It might mean that he reflexively doesn't trust you with those tender parts of himself but doesn't realize he is withholding them.

It might mean that he has decided you do not deserve access to those parts of him due to trauma with you or with previous partners.

It's worth investigating. "I see how sweet and tender you are with the kids. I would like to have access to that part of you. Is this something we can talk about?"

It might simply mean that he trusts his children to love him and respect him and not judge or shame him and he is not certain he can trust you to do that same. You may not have done anything to warrant this mistrust. Or maybe you did.

(And he may not actually deserve this love and acceptance from his children, but children are famously willing to love deeply flawed primary caregivers.)

If a man is violent, impatient, cruel, and emotionally unavailable with/to his children, I do think you can extrapolate he will not treat you well and probably does not have the capacity for it.

If he is hyper-critical of his children despite them being literal blank slates who know almost nothing without being taught, and taught again, you should reasonably expect he will be a critical partner.

If he can't be sweet to innocent kids, it's unlikely he can be sweet to you in a meaningful way. It is unlikely you will find safety, peace, and emotional security with a man who is not wildly, irrationally in love with his children.

But if he IS and you can see it, but you're not getting that wild and irrational love pointed in your direction, I know it can be hard to reconcile. But it's a different calculation he has to make with you. And his love can't be irrational, because there are costs and benefits to weigh.

Part of the work of loving each other well as adults is holding space for the wounds of our childhood that made relationships with adults who can hurt us hard. Co-parenting children while doing this work can be mad triggering, but also deeply healing.