10 Signs Your Communication Needs an Overhaul (and What to Do About It)

amy l miller
May 8
2 min read

By Amy Miller, MSW//Roots & Keys Coaching · St. Louis, MO

If you're constantly biting your tongue, blowing up, or wondering why people just don’t get it—you’re not broken. But your communication might need a serious tune-up.

Here are 10 signs your conversations aren’t working—and how to start doing it differently.

1. You’re not saying what you mean.

You hint. You dance around it. You hope they’ll just know.

Try this: Say the real thing. Even if it’s messy. Clumsy is better than silent.

2. You go quiet when you’re mad.

You think you're being calm, but really? You're frozen. Shut down. Disconnected.

Try this: Take space on purpose. Say, “I need a break, but I’m not done.”

3. You say yes when you mean hell no.

You're overextended, secretly resentful, and nobody knows you’re not actually on board.

Try this: Say no to one small thing today. Start where it’s low-stakes.

4. You blow up, then backpedal.

You hold it in until it explodes. Then comes the guilt spiral.

Try this: Catch it earlier. Frustration is a signal. Listen to it.

5. You’re managing their feelings instead of speaking your truth.

You're editing yourself so they won’t feel bad. You think it’s kindness—but it’s not clarity.

Try this: Trust them to handle their feelings. Speak your truth cleanly.

6. You ghost your own needs to avoid conflict.

You disappear. You drop the subject. You’d rather suck it up than rock the boat.

Try this: Let discomfort be information—not danger.

7. You don’t ask for what you want.

You hope someone offers it. Or reads your mind.

Try this: Want something? Ask for it. Out loud. Clearly.

8. You think vulnerability = weakness.

You’d rather seem "fine" than admit you're hurt, confused, or scared.

Try this: Start with, “This is hard to say, but…” and then say the thing.

9. You apologize when you’re not actually sorry.

You’re keeping the peace. But it’s not a real repair.

Try this: Ask yourself, “Am I sorry? Or just uncomfortable?”

10. You’re trying to be ‘good’ instead of real.

You default to polite. You prioritize smooth over honest.

Try this: Say the true thing. Let it be awkward. Real is better than perfect.

Ready to Get Better at This?

This is the work we do in Communication School—a 4-week, in-person series in St. Louis for folks who want to have real conversations that actually work.

There are still a few spots left in the cohort that begins June 4...